My brothers and I had a difficult upbringing, I was told by my cousin that my oldest brother had the most difficult time.
I don’t remember what he had to endure but I know we all lived with a monster. So it made total sense to me that when my oldest brother turned 15 he left, moved out, and not long after that he jumped on a plane and never come back.
When I was about 7 years old I mentally and emotionally locked myself away in a wooden cabin, I didn’t realise I had done that, I think my subconscious put me into survival mode so it locked my emotions away deep inside myself, to protect my heart.
l had spent so many nights crying to God to help me and he didn’t. So I ran away deep into a forest and found a wooden cabin with no doors or windows and I locked myself inside the cabin.
It was dark, it was cold, just 4 wooden log walls, a roof, and a wooden chair that faced the corner. That is where I sat weeping, it was dark, it was lonely, it was cold. But I was safe, the monster couldn’t find me there.
When I was about 30 years old, I kept having a dream, I was walking through a thick forest towards a wooden cabin, and I could hear a little girl inside the cabin weeping.
Night after night the same dream, I would be walking through the forest towards the wooden cabin and all I could hear was a little girl weeping inside the cabin, but there was no door and I couldn’t get inside to see who was crying.
This same dream happened for about a year, then one night the dream changed, I was standing in the middle of the room facing the corner, and in the corner was a little girl sitting on a wooden chair with her back to me, she was looking down at her lap weeping, crying.
Every time I moved towards her, the dream would end. But! night after night the same dream, I’m standing in the middle of the wooden cabin, and every time I moved toward her the dream would end.
After a while when I had the dream, I would just stand in the center of the room, because I knew, if I moved towards her the dream would end. So I just stood there in the middle of the cabin and watched her weep, there was nothing I could do to help this little girl, and I had absolutely no idea who this little girl was.
Another year had passed I had been having the same dream over and over again, then once again, I found myself standing in the middle of the cabin, watching the little girl weeping and crying with her back to me.
Suddenly! to my right, a doorway appeared in the wall and a brilliant white light stood in the doorway, I looked at the doorway, I could see the shape of a person standing there with this brilliant white light coming from them.
Then I turned back to the little girl, she was running towards me, she ran straight up to my face, screaming and fighting for her life, she was petrified, she thought the monster had found her, she thought the monster was inside the cabin and was going to hurt her.
But the light entered the room and surrounded her and she fell into the arms of the light weeping, sobbing, crying. Then as I was still standing in the middle of the room, I see them in the doorway an adult with a little girl holding their hand, and they leave the cabin, I had this dream for a couple of months, it always ended with them leaving the cabin.
Then about 10 years after that, I had a dream I was on the back of an angel, we were flying over the top of a forest, as I looked down at the forest I could see lots of wooden cabins, and monsters were running through the forest, some of the monsters were breaking into the cabins, some of the cabins had flashes of light shooting up to the sky, but many cabins were locked with souls inside them. I remember saying to the Angle “we have to help them, we have to save them, but the Angel said “not all want to be saved.”
I don’t really remember the things that happened when I was little, they are in flashes, like a snap shot that my memory replays every once in a while, when something triggers it. A smell, a word or a phrase, a look someone might give me. My mind will begin to replay the slide show of my life with the monster.
As I look back at our time there, I have asked myself, “Do I hate the monster?” And for the longest time, the answer was “Dam straight I do, with a passion I do.” But now not so much, forgiven 7x7x7 that process will continue.
I realise now that the monster was doing the best he could with the knowledge he had, I know he struggled through it too. Could he have done better? Yes! without a doubt he could have, I see the evidence in my own life and others.
The Wooden Cabin
Inside a wooden cabin far far away,
There were no doors or windows this is where she would stay,
In the courner on a wooden chair it was dark and scary but on one could hurt her there,
Then one day a spirit guide showed her the love deep inside, at first she thought the monsters here,
The one she ran from for many years.
She is now in the arms of her spirit guide
This little girl no longer needs to run and hide.